Love Letters From An Old Journal Entry

love letters from an old journal

As a young girl, I always enjoyed reading books that were written journal-style.  Even better if they had been actual journals about people’s every day lives.  People like mothers.  Mothers have so much emotion that it makes for great reading.

I became a mother in April of 2002.  Motherhood did not come easy for me.  Some days, it still slips my grasp.  It’s hard to be a good mother when you are selfish.

I started a journal for my baby boy, Jace, on August 5th, 2003.  I did a pretty good job of writing in it, and then one day I put it down and didn’t pick it up back up again.  We had so much going.  Stuff I wished I had journaled now.

I unearthed this journal the other day.  The last entry was July 27, 2010–one day after I had turned 33.  It ends with this:

In the last 15 minutes, Ginger has sucked on the dish scrubber and has broken your favorite glass.  It never ends.  I am tired.

As I read those words yesterday, I laughed.  Truly, it never ends.  I am still tired.  But, thankfully, Sweet Gigi is no longer sucking on the dish scrubber.

So I flipped backwards in the journal, recalling to mind all of those memories, all of the dreams and hopes that we had.  Some came to pass, some died a horrible death.  Some are still within our reach.

But I noticed a theme throughout my journal.  I was always worried about being selfish.  You see, I know I have this problem.  This problem called flesh.  I want to love my children the way they deserve to be loved.  I want my children to rise up and call me blessed.  Is that selfish?  Depends on the motive.

My entries were also full of “I love you so, so much!”  My children do not doubt my love for them.  They are very much loved.  Many of my entries are just me telling them how much I love them and what I love about them, chronicling their little lives.

I love to write, but I don’t write when I am not “feeling it”.  But when I am “feeling it”, my emotions give way to words that could never be captured otherwise, to emotions that finally let me lasso them and lay them down on paper.

March 6, 2008 was such a day.  My last entry had been a year before on April 8, 2007.

 

You touch my face so tenderly,

and that lets me know that I have been tender with you.

Your eyes are lit from a glow within

of which I fan the flame daily.

You love me and just want to be close to me–

a mirror image of my heart.

No one can love you like I can.

No one can break you like I can.

Remind me to be gentle with you,

Child of my heart.

Remind me that you are more important than

work

Sunday School

resting

cooking

laundry

running late

sweeping

relaxing.

Remind me that you are more important than

myself.

As I read those words yesterday, I felt guilty.  I had failed so many times, since I gave myself those teaching words.  I had failed my children so many times.

Each day presents new opportunities.  His mercy and compassion are new every morning.  If I am to be like Christ, then my mercy and compassion also need to be new every morning.  I need to be merciful and compassionate with my children and with my self.

Be careful, mothers.  The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.  Be the mother that you wanted your mother to be.  Be the mother that you want your child to be or your child’s spouse to be.

Be gentle.  Be loving.  Be understanding.  Be firm.  Be soft.  Be wise.  Be Christ-like.

Child of my heart

Comments

  1. says

    thanks for sharing this. I have the same worry about being selfish. I hate it about myself and am often feeling a little weighed down by it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, and I’m thankful to the Lord because he really really helps me! I find your honesty refreshing and your heart loving and I love the part about the dish scrubber.

  2. says

    Melinda,
    This is beautiful post, and I think we can all relate on any given day. Just keep following the Lord and asking for wisdom. He WILL bless us and KEEP us. I love the “he who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus…Yay! He won’t let us go!
    Love you, girl!

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